Lengthening the night...pushing back the dawn

This xkcd comic is one the sweetest and most brilliant things I have ever read. Sweet without cliche; that's hard to come by nowadays.

Confession Stand

Sorry guys. Removed because people are stupid.

A story of crabs

So, I have indefinite proof that my parents think I'm a complete retard.

To start, some background info: I am Chinese-Canadian (In case you didn't know...) and about 5 years ago, during a vacation trip to China with my family, I was extremely sensitive about eating animals that had been freshly slaughtered by a family member (chickens in particular), and my parents would always try to trick me into thinking it was bought dead. They remember this. However, I've gotten much less sensitive and bitchy about it over the years (as I try to be realistic).

On that note, Chinese supermarkets often sell live crabs so you can have it fresh.

TL;DR version: i r ex-PETA bitch/tree hugr n chinkz r inhumane 2 crabz.

Anyway, so my parents went to buy groceries while I was getting my haircut today, and when we got home I noticed there was a live crab in the sink (They usually die on their own after being left there for a while). A few hours later, I walk into the kitchen and see my father trying to pry the shell of the crab off.
Me: "Is it alive?"
Dad: "No no no, it's dead already."
Me: "But...it's moving..."
(Its legs are scrambling and its claws are flailing around)
Dad: "No, no it's not." *starts banging it against the table*
Me: "I don't really care, y'know."
Dad: "Oh. Well it's alive then."
Me: "Huh, not anymore."
Dad: "Actually, it usually doesn't die until we cook it."
Me: "WHAT! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SOMEBODY DID THAT TO YOU?!"
Dad: "It's dead."

A red hot ceramic plate.

« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:41 PM):
you know what i'd like to see?
im 14 so obey >:0 says (10:41 PM):
wot
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:41 PM):
a ceramic plate being heated up so dangerously that it turns fucking red hot
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:41 PM):
and if you touch it the skin on your fingers fucking disintagrate
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:42 PM):
and its like a trickling effect and the rest of your hand starts to go into burning PAIN too and while you scream for help your fucking asshole friends bring you a bowl of salt and theyre like HAY STICK IT IN HERE IT'LL HELP
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:43 PM):
so because you're in such a state of bewilderness you listen to that assbag and you dunk your now half disintagrated hand into the bowl of salt
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:43 PM):
and you pull it out and start screaming at dog pitch levels
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:43 PM):
and you're still in too fucking much pain to kill the guy so you run around and you see a lemon
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:44 PM):
and BECAUSE you're in such a state of bewilderness you see a lemon and automatically think REFRESHING so you take the lemon juice from the fridge and release all its JUICY GOODNESS onto your bloody, burning hand
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:45 PM):
and now you're really in pain as your salty, slightly marinated hand is now SIZZLING AND BURNING AS IT SLOWLY DETERIORATES TO YOUR WRIST
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:45 PM):
and now you having nothing left but a fucking arm so now you start running around screaming in pain
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:45 PM):
and your mother who is now extremely annoyed calls a doctor who, after hearing your pitchy squeals on the phone agrees to make a house call
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:46 PM):
upon arrival, he duct tapes your mouth shut and examines what's left of your arm
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:46 PM):
which, is just about a stub from the elbow up
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:46 PM):
and he says ah! and he takes out his cleaning swabs
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:46 PM):
and as you struggle to get the alcohol away from your raw. bleeding flesh
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:46 PM):
he straps you onto the chair so now you're in a real fucking vulnerable position
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:47 PM):
and he slowly, ever so slowly dabs the alcohol swab on your wound
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:47 PM):
now you're screaming so fucking loudly that your mouth cavity actually opens up to such an unimaginable, unhuman size that the duct tape actually slowly peels off
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:47 PM):
and now the doctor and your mom arent disturbed anymore
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:48 PM):
but the local dogs are squealing in pain as your pitches start to form cracks in the glass in your display cabinet
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:48 PM):
and now your mom notices that her swarovski swan's head is starting to fall off so she sticks a shoe in your mouth and screams SHUT UP YOU'RE RUINING MY CRYSTALS
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:49 PM):
and now, gagged with a shoe in your mouth and your arm now completely gone and your shoulder starting to chip away
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:49 PM):
the doctor finally sighs and walks over to your mother
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:49 PM):
he shakes his head and leaves
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:49 PM):
your mom, now angry at the world just jumps out the first story window and runs away
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:50 PM):
and now you're gagged with half a shoulder and no left arm and there are salt particles in your raw flesh and alcohol stinging your eyes for some reason and just then your friend comes over
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:50 PM):
and he says hey, shut the fuck up and lets go party!
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:50 PM):
and you stop screaming.
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:50 PM):
your half shoulder starts to relax
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:50 PM):
the shoe falls out of your mouth
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:51 PM):
and your friend cuts the straps and with the duct tape still hanging off the side of your cheek
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:51 PM):
you nod and get into his car.
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:51 PM):
....
« λ υ я ο я α » says (10:51 PM):
anyway, i have a hot dog to eat. brb.